This week, Mike and I went to see the movie, I Can Only Imagine 2. The first movie featured the life of Bart Millard from the band MercyMe and how he came to write the popular Christian song "I Can Only Imagine." It's a beautiful song, and we actually had the music video play at the end of Jessica's Celebration of Life, which featured her photo tribute. There was a time, not so long ago, that I couldn't listen to the song without crying (I still do at times), let alone sing the words at all. I sang the song at our Life Group recently, and it was a beautiful moment that I felt honoured to remember Jessica.
I had only recently discovered that a sequel was in theatres, so I was excited to see it. I wasn't sure what this one was about, and I'm unclear on what a "sequel" could tell. Sequels are often described as "not so great" compared to the first installment, but I was willing to take a chance. If you haven't seen the movie yet, there are some spoilers in the next few paragraphs.
The story again somewhat featured Bart Millard's life challenges with his firstborn son, Sam, who developed Type II Diabetes at a very young age. Their relationship became complicated, and neither Bart nor Sam could seem to relate to the other. Explaining that Bart's own fractured relationship with his father didn't give him a solid example to follow. We see flashbacks of the first movie, where Bart and his father struggled under his father's abuse. Of course, that relationship was healed in later years when Bart's dad became a Christian and a brand new person.
However, as we know, the damage done in a child's early years does come back to them as adults, regardless of the healing that has taken place. Bart seemed to try many strategies, including taking Sam on a MercyMe tour. On that tour, the opening artist was a man named Tim Timmins. He was a gregarious sort of guy who instantly bonded with the teenager, Sam. Sam went on to become not only his assistant but also to play and sing with Tim on stage.
Tim also had a song that he had had difficulty finishing, so he asked Bart to look at it and finish it for him. Bart didn't really take this seriously because he was having difficulty coming up with new material. He didn't feel he had had a truly impactful song since he wrote "I Can Only Imagine."
It was after Tim had collapsed on tour that the band discovered he was suffering from Stage 4 cancer. They didn't share in the movie what kind of cancer it was, but after some research, I found out it was liver cancer, which is an ominous diagnosis. Bart then took the CD Tim had given him and went on to complete the song. It was at that moment in the movie that I saw the song was called "Even If."
"Even If" was a favourite song of mine, and even more so when Jessica was sick. I clung to the words many times. The chorus goes like this:
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
When I listened to the song in the movie, I realized I had not sung or listened to it since Jessica died. I sang the words, "My hope is You alone," even when you don't save me through the fire, or take away my sorrow. I really thought I meant what I was singing. It was a prayer I sang over Jessica and her situation, an anthem of praise to a God who I knew was in control.
I sang those words, and my prayers were not answered to heal my daughter on this earth. I sang the words declaring that even if He didn't heal her, save her life, keep her here for her children and all of us, her family, I would still hope in Him, praise Him, because He is good. But yet, I didn't keep my end of the bargain. While I didn't declare it with my mouth, I was upset that God didn't approve my transactional prayer. He didn't deliver, I turned my back in a sense, but He was still right beside me.
Jesus never promised you or me that we would have a life without sorrow, without difficulty, or without any pain. In John 16:33, He tells us:
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”
He told us we would have many trials and sorrows, but He has overcome the world. Our hope is in Him alone.
I had an epiphany that has awakened something in my soul. I have a longing to know Him more again. That’s something that hasn’t happened in quite some time. I pray this “epiphany” is not fleeting, like an emotion, but that it sparks me on to an even greater and deeper relationship with Jesus.
I'm singing that song again, "Even If," and, in fact, it is on and off in my head several times a day. I pray that this is another step in my healing journey with the Lord.
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