Easter weekend has just passed, and for me, as a Christian, it stands out as the heartbeat of my year. Good Friday and Easter Sunday mark the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ, which is the foundation of my hope for eternity.
This year, we have been re-watching The Chosen, 40 episodes over 40 days of Lent, as I have written previously. It leaves off at the "Judas Kiss." Season 6 will encompass the crucifixion of Christ.
After we completed the series, I suggested that we revisit "The Passion of the Christ." We actually saw it for the first time in the theatre in 2004, which seems like a lifetime ago. I think I have watched it once more since, but I can't remember when.
Mel Gibson's film overwhelmingly displayed the brutality and suffering that Christ endured before he was crucified (the ultimate brutality). Still, I didn't feel prepared for the visceral reaction I had with each strike of the whip, or each kick of a Roman soldier. I could feel an assault in the core of my being.
It wasn't until Jesus was walking to Calvary with His cross in the streets of Jerusalem that a new reaction hit me. It was through the eyes of his mother, Mary.
I do remember the scene where she sees Jesus with His cross, and he falls; we then see it flash back to her memory of Jesus as a little boy when he falls. She runs to Him and says, "I'm here," and she holds him close to comfort him.
In this "present" scene, she also runs to Him, says, "I'm here," and holds Him. Jesus responds by looking to her and saying, "See, mother, I make all things new."
Such a pivotal moment and statement, but what surprised me was the feeling, the empathy it evoked in me. I felt a kindred connection with Mary.
No matter your theological view of Mary, she was Jesus' mother.
The mother who gave birth to Him in a stable.
The mother who cared for Him and raised him in the faith.
All the while knowing that God had something greater for Him to accomplish.
He was to save the world.
Mary was witnessing His suffering.
Mary witnessed Jesus, her son, suffering.
The suffering He bore for our sins.
She witnessed His agony as a fellow human, and she was powerless to intervene. She could do nothing.
While I'm not equating Jessica's tragedy with Jesus', her unfathomable suffering was also laid bare before me, and I could essentially do nothing to change that course, that trajectory.
She was slipping away, and while there were times she improved and we became hopeful, in my heart, I knew her time on this earth was drawing to a close.
I witnessed her suffering, the pain she had both physically and emotionally, all while I prayed and pleaded for God to heal her or let me trade places with her.
He did neither.
Mary knew Jesus was dying, and that it would come soon. I don't know if Mary, like Jesus, ever prayed, "Take this cup from me, yet not my will, but yours be done." I wouldn't be surprised if she did. She likely agonized over the future Jesus would face.
I certainly prayed that prayer.
I know I agonized over Jessica's future.
The core of my being ached for what she was going through, but unlike Mary, I couldn't see the purpose in it. If you have read any of my posts, you will know that I still struggle with finding meaning in our loss.
Mary trusted God.
I know Mary was a blessed woman, but she was also a woman. A human being. I would guess she struggled with doubt at times. We don't know that from the Scriptures; I'm just using some creative licensing here.
I often said, in the midst of the trial and following Jessica's death, that God is still good.
I still believe that. Jessica is in her heavenly home, fully healed and whole.
Whatever purpose He has in the panoramic view of life, I need to get to a place of accepting that.
Accepting that I will not understand that purpose this side of heaven.
Has my grappling with my faith brought me closer to God? Perhaps I can now answer with a "yes." Not long ago, I would have answered differently, but today I can see the glimmer of light. I'm grateful that even in my distance, Jesus never left my side.
"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
