You'll Be in My Heart

To stay on the "Dream Theme" (see, I am a poet too!) I want to share yesterday morning's awakening. As I was waking up from a dreamless night, yet again, there was a song in my head. The line was, "You'll be in my heart, oh you'll be in my heart, From this day now, and forevermore..."  It's a song I hadn't thought of, nor did I really know it well. I remembered that the song is by Phil Collins, an artist I like, but haven't ardently followed. 

 

For curiosity's sake, I looked up the lyrics of the song. Here is the first part of it. 

  

Come, stop your crying.
It will be alright
Just take my hand
Hold it tight
 
I will protect you
From all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry
 
For one so small
You seem so strong
My arms will hold you
Keep you safe and warm
 
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
 
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
 
You'll be in my heart.
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart always.

 

The song was released as part of Disney's animated movie, Tarzan, in 1999, but was initially written by Collins as a lullaby for his daughter, Lily. In the film "Tarzan," Tarzan's adoptive "mother" gorilla sings this song to reassure Tarzan that she will always protect him. The song in the movie ends after the first verse, but the full version is on the soundtrack, which won several awards, including the Academy Award for Best Original Song. I do remember hearing it over the years. 

After reading the lyrics and the story behind the song, it hit me that today, this song was for me. I felt the sense that God put it in my heart to reaffirm that He knows my heart and my love for Jess. It isn't a Christian song, but it is one about a parent's love and devotion. It truly touched my heart and brought me to tears. 

After I listened to it over and over (like I often do), the last part started to speak to me. It felt like the song changed midway, like a dynamic shift of sorts; I was no longer the one singing to my child, but I felt like it was now my child, Jessica, singing it to me.   

When destiny calls you
You must be strong (you gotta be strong)
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know 

We'll show them together
 
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Believe me, you'll be in my heart
I'll be there from this day on
Now and forever more

The song was a reassurance and an encouragement to me. I believe God speaks to us far more than we know. The "noise" of our worries of the day drown out His voice. We just need to be still to truly be in tune to hear. Sometimes that stillness comes in the form of complete sleep!

God hears the cry of my heart, and, like the song says, He too is here from this day on, now and forevermore. 

The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."  

Psalm 34:17-18

 

Here is the full version of the song. 

You'll Be in My Heart  

There is none like You

I had an experience this morning that caused me to pause and take notice. As I was waking, I remembered a dream where I was singing a worship song. I actually think I may have been singing it as I woke up. It's one I remember from my earlier days as a Christian, called "I Worship You" by Don Moen.

In the dream, I was singing the song to "someone", trying to jog their memory, saying, "You must remember this one! We used to sing it all the time."

It's strange how I would remember a dream in such detail.

I worship You, Almighty God.
There is none like You.
I worship You, oh Prince of Peace,
That is what I want to do.
I give You Praise,
For You are my Righteousness.
I worship You, Almighty God.
There is none like You.

I have been praying "most" nights that God give me a dream about Jessica. I rarely remember dreams, as I shared in a previous post. Again, last night, I prayed to see Jess. I just wanted to talk to her in my dream and remember her voice.  

Trying to make sense of this dream, I wondered if God was telling me that maybe I need to centre on my worship of Him, instead of worrying about the content of my dreams. I was reminded by a friend that God gave me a song in the night, like He did for David.

"But each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life." Psalm 42:8 NLT

God knows my grieving heart and my love for Him. Bringing my requests to Him is what He truly wants from me, but He also wants my worship. 

I think I've realized I haven't been bringing my praise and worship to Him first and foremost. As I walk through this grief journey, I know that I cannot walk it alone. I need Him to guide my steps, and He is there right alongside me. For that, I am forever thankful. 

I'm also grateful He has given me a song in my heart to help do just that. 

                                                    I Worship You (Times Square Church)

"The God Who Sees Me"

As I prepare my book, I've been reflecting on events over the past couple of years. I was specifically remembering when Jessica had an encounter with God. This was during tests and specialist consultations in July 2023 as she searched for a diagnosis. It seemed that every test result and appointment brought her more bad news. It felt as though she kept falling to the ground each day. Jess was always such a positive person and sought to find the best in every situation, but even she wasn't finding that thread of positivity that so often came quite easily to her. 

One day, she had an appointment with a respirologist to discuss the results of a PET scan. He informed her that there were nodules in her lungs that were most likely cancer that had spread from the tumour in her right arm. The doctor could not biopsy those nodules because they were too small. This was not good news in the shadow of the upcoming tumour biopsy. The medical team suspected osteosarcoma, but treatment could not begin until there was a definitive diagnosis. Metastases to the lungs were not a good sign in the face of osteosarcoma. According to the research, the five-year survival rate decreased from 60-70% without metastases to 30% when metastases spread to the lungs. 

Coming home from that appointment, Jessica felt so defeated. She felt like there was no hope at all anymore. She later told me that when she got out of the car and was walking to the house, she heard an audible voice speak to her. She knew it was the voice of God. He said, "This is the journey, not the destination."  She wasn't entirely sure what these words meant, but she knew how they made her feel. She didn't feel alone. She felt peace and a sense of hope. She felt loved. Jesus was with her in this journey. 

As I was sharing her encounter with someone recently, the story of Hagar came to me from Genesis chapter 16. Hagar was the Egyptian servant to Sarai. When Sarai couldn't conceive a child for Abram, she instructed him to sleep with Hagar. This was to "help" fulfill God's promise in Chapter 15 that Abram would have a son with many descendants. 

After Hagar conceived, of course, Sarai was jealous and treated her servant with "contempt." Hagar ran away from Sarai and was in the desert when she had her own encounter with God. I'm sure she felt, like Jess did, hopeless, discouraged and alone. When the angel of the LORD came to Hagar, He gave her reassurance and instructions regarding the child she bore,

"And the angel also said, "You are now pregnant and will give birth to a son, You are to name him Ishamael (which means 'God hears'), for the LORD has heard your cry of distress." Gen 16:11 NLT

Verse 13 goes on to say, "Therafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the LORD, who had spoken to her. She said, "You are the God who sees me." She was heard and she was seen. Isn't that what we all want, especially when we are in distress?

That is why Jessica felt such overwhelming peace and love with those words. She was seen and she was heard in her affliction. No matter what the future held, she was seen. It was after this Divine encounter that Jessica's spirit was reawakened. She talked about Jesus, saying it was through Him that she had peace. She shared Him with people around her, including family, friends, caregivers in the hospital, and at home. 

This openness brought other Christians into her life on her care team. She had personal support workers praying with her at home and in the hospital. She received words of encouragement from others —God brought them at just the right time —from those who witnessed her faith. 

Jessica grew up in the church, developing an established faith from a young age. Like many young adults who grew up in the church, she strayed from "organized religion," but I knew her foundational faith remained in what she said and did. Certainly, having children reignited her desire to help them know they are loved by Jesus.  

Of course, I prayed over the years for my children to return to their childlike faith, but I never fathomed my daughter would return in quite this way. The simultaneous journey of our worst nightmare and her path back to Christ was a strange juxtaposition. 

I thank God that she had that encounter, which gave her the strength for the journey she was about to face, and the witness to people who came into her path. I'm thankful God was with her and us every step of the way.

He is the God who sees us.

The Chosen

 

We love watching "The Chosen" by Dallas Jenkins. It uniquely tells the story of Jesus by portraying the humanity of Christ in a relevant way. We came to watch it later in the game, so it was a great "binge-watch" last fall. 

Truth be told, watching the series was a turning point in my journey with God last year and a step toward healing our relationship. Seeing more of Jesus' humanity was a restorative salve for me. The emphasis in the early seasons that 'He sees' was comforting, much like it was to Hagar, when she said, 'He is the God who sees me' (Genesis 16:13). I felt seen, heard, and loved in my wilderness. 

The series also utilizes creative licensing, which brings life and relatability to the characters. It has drawn some criticism in the Christian world, but I see it as a positive thing, because it does not alter biblical truths; it simply adds flavour to the story. 

One such example of "creative licensing" is the story of Thomas. I saw an interview with Dallas Jenkins, and he said the goal was to develop a storyline that "could" explain why Thomas was a skeptic.

Spoiler Alert! 

If you don't want to know my reference to the story of Thomas, because you are going to watch the show, stop here! However, I'm not sure if it will spoil the whole series for you.

The setup concerns Jesus' first miracle, turning water into wine. Thomas is working with a young woman named Ramah, whose parents own a vineyard and are highly regarded in the community for their high-quality wine. Of course, Thomas is smitten with this beautiful woman, and they both become followers of Jesus and are then betrothed to each other. 

During one of the uprisings in the series, Ramah is injured by a Roman centurion. This was following one of Jesus' sermons, so He was nearby. Thomas pleads with Jesus to heal her, but He tells Thomas it is "not her time."  Ramah later sadly succumbs to her injuries. Thomas is angry that Jesus did not heal her. Later, when Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead, it further adds to Thomas's anger and disappointment in his overwhelming grief.

It wasn't until we were watching season five, where the story was referenced, that it hit me how much Thomas's storyline and my journey are somewhat similar. Anger and disappointment over Jesus not healing the one we love. 

Even later in the episode, when Thomas encounters Ramah's father, who still blames Thomas for placing her in danger. Later, Thomas's encounter with Ramah's mother, one-on-one, reminded me of a more profound connection I have with her character. She laments that a mother should not have to bury her own child; that should be the other way around. Tears filled my eyes in that scene. Those are words I have spoken and continue to say to this day. Another way I connect with The Chosen series. 

No, it is not fair, and it never will be, but unfortunately, my story is not the only one filled with that emotion. Even though Ramah and her parents' characters are fictional, they symbolize the reality that throughout history, there have been children who have gone before their parents. Bereaved parents may be the exception, rather than the rule, but heir numbers are greater than one expects. 

Turning to God in anger, disappointment, and reconciliation has been the path that has sustained me in this chapter, and He will continue to sustain me along each step of my life. For that, I am grateful. He sees me. 

Butterfly Dance

 

We've been camping this weekend for the first time in a few years. I've enjoyed it, especially since we graduated from sleeping on a tent floor many years ago at our age. Thankfully!

We stayed close to home so we could come and go while ironing out the bugs in our new trailer. The campground is a conservation area, so it is well-maintained. There is a lovely pool, and this weekend has been especially hot, so it's a good 'cool off' for us. 

While we were waiting outside the pool for it to open, Mike pointed out a Monarch butterfly flying around. It looked like she was trying to go through the chain-link fence around the pool, then she would fly over it to the pool area. I'm fretting on the sidelines, thinking she is going to get swept into the pool. Then she starts flying around me, back and forth, then landing on the grass twice near me. Of course, I held out my hand, thinking she was going to land on it, but alas, she did not.  

A butterfly landing on me would have made a perfect story, but I saw it another way. I have come to love butterflies, especially Monarchs, since we participated in the annual butterfly release with the Bereaved Families of Ontario. 

While I don't hold the belief that the butterfly is Jessica's spirit, I do believe God sends messengers of peace and healing, explicitly selected for our spirit and soul. The Monarch may not be Jessica, but I believe God has sent it as her representative, sent to visit her Mama. 

The Gift of Peace

 

When I go to bed at night, I close my eyes and try to see if I can see Jessica.  Of course, I see her in my memory and in pictures, but I long just to see her face. I try to focus my closed eyes (if that is even a thing), but each night, I come up with nothing. 

Even my dreams have been scattered over the months since she passed from this earth. A couple of times, I recall her in a specific scene in a dream, but most times, I wake up in the morning with a faint recollection that she was part of my dream. Sometimes when I wake up, I have a split-second memory of a scene, but it quickly fades away. I really should keep a pen and paper beside my bed!

Last night was a bit different. We are currently away camping, and the atmosphere is relaxed, to say the least. It's my first time sleeping in this trailer, and I was exhausted. While I lay there in my bed, with my eyes closed, I saw her! I knew it was her because I instantly smiled. It was so beautiful. She seemed to be sitting on the floor, and it looked like she was in front of a television, but (not sure they have TVs in heaven). Her blonde hair was swept up into a ponytail/bun on top of her head, like she often did, being a busy mom.  Then she looked up as if she had really seen me and gave a wave as if to say, "Hi, Mama!"

 I kept smiling. 

Then the picture faded.

Was it a daytime dream, a memory flashing, or was it God lifting the veil for me to give me peace? It seemed like a similar scenario to the vision I had last year. One could argue it was anything but a vision from God, but my soul tells me otherwise. 

It gave me peace.

To that, I say, 'Thank you, Lord, amen.' 

Believe and Receive

One of the devotionals I like to do in the morning is from YouVersion.  They encompass a Bible verse, a video teaching, plus a written devotional on the verse, followed by a prayer. They usually don't take a lot of time, but of course, the intent is that you not only carry out the act of completing the devotional, but you also seek what God is teaching you from this verse.  

Yesterday morning, Mike greeted me with, "I don't like today's verse for the devotional."  I was taken aback by his comment, but I understood what he was saying. It wasn't until I read it that the tears started to flow.

"I tell you you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you have received it, it will be yours." Mark 11:24 NLT

Lies!  That's what I thought at the time. How can Jesus say this when it wasn't true? I prayed for Jessica's healing. I believed she would receive it, but it was never ours. 

This verse in Mark is preceded by several references to how things will happen if we have faith, if we believe. Mountains will move and be thrown into the sea if we ask and believe. Of course, it is contingent on first forgiving others if you hold a grudge towards them.  There you have it! A checklist of sorts to get what you want to ask for, right? A guarantee, "yes" from God?

I followed the list and checked off each criterion. In faith, I believed, but I did not receive. 

Going through the devotional video and teaching really didn't clarify anything for me. It just triggered my grief response again. I felt cheated by God for taking my daughter away. It seemed like all of the steps forward I made were gone, and I was even two steps back. It felt like the early days of grief.  

I pondered and reflected on the verse since then.  I read about how Jesus' larger teaching in Mark 24 is about faith, trust, and the power of prayer. The power is in our faith in God, not in how our prayers are answered. 

In my early Christian days, I remember learning that God answers all prayers. His answer may be, "yes," it may be, "no," or it may be, "not yet."  God's answer is always there, but in our case, the answer was not what we had hoped for. 

How can His will be that my daughter dies?  It doesn't seem right at all. However, I don't believe God "gave" Jessica cancer, that much I know. I believe cancer and other illnesses that ultimately cause death are a result of sin entering the world. But I do believe that God knows when we are called home. I still feel like it is not fair that Jessica went home before me, but I'm working on trusting and accepting His will. I'm not sure what the greater purpose of that is, but I won't know this side of heaven.

Even if you don't subscribe to the idea of "sin," you can look at it this way: the way we treat our earth, our environment, our bodies, etc, is the cause of cancer and other afflictions in this world.  

Even in my heartbreak, my faith remains unshaken. Even in disappointment, God is building my faith and trust. This verse is not about transactional faith, but about building trust in God. I do not walk the road of grief and pain alone. Jesus is right beside me every step of the way.  

Jesus' death on the cross felt like an unanswered prayer, but God had a much better plan for humanity.  Jesus' resurrection is the promise I cling to with the hope of heaven with Him,  and seeing my beloved Jessica again. 

Happy Birthday Baby

Social media provides a good outlet for expressing our thoughts and feelings.  Sunday was no different. It was Jessica's birthday. Of course, the posting of my daughter's photo and birthday wishes evokes emotions in others, prompting them to "like", "love", or "support" the post and/or add a comment. I have wonderful friends and other connections that seem to have been on this journey with me right from the time of Jessica's illness. I appreciate them all, but in my heart, I wonder if some of them are tired of my posts. 

Expressing grief is a funny thing. Everyone is with you, beside you, and supporting you through the first days, weeks, and months. Some may feel that in the first week, you know, the "three days off" you would receive in the workplace after the death of a family member should suffice. Thankfully, I was not in a workplace following the loss of my girl, as I'm not sure I would be back to work in that first year, let alone the next week! 

Others may give you a bit more grace and set "three months" as the point of reference. Because, of course, this will give you time to settle all the details and maybe squeeze in a grief counselling session or two, and then you're good! Right? Still others may think it's that first year after your loss. Losing a child, spouse, or parent may be considered a significant enough loss to allow for a year of grief in their minds. 

Well, I'm now in my second year, specifically, one year, three months, and twenty-six days. Or, if you look at it by actual days, it's been 483 days, 3 hours, and 10 minutes, but who's counting, right? Truthfully, I haven't counted the days, hours, or minutes before the time of this writing. 

I know it's been a year and almost four months, but in some ways, it seems like it was just last week, and on other days, it feels like it was years ago. In actual fact, grief has no timeline. I've connected with other parents who have lost children 5, 10, and 20 years ago, and it still hurts. We don't "move on"; we move "forward," but grief will be our lifelong companion while walking on this earth. 

As I wrote in my last post about anticipating Jessica's birthday, it was a difficult and beautiful day at the same time. I went to her tree at the conservation area, secretly hoping the memorial bench had been installed, but alas, it was not. Nonetheless, I visited the tree, had a chat with Jess, cried, and prayed to the Lord for our family. I left some flowers for her in the tree. I know logically, she doesn't "get" the flowers, but perhaps she can "see" them, "see" me? I don't know for sure, but leaving them certainly made me feel better. 

While her children were unable to accompany us to the tree, we were able to visit them and bring a cake. Jessica loved Baskin-Robbins ice cream, so I picked up a cake from the store to celebrate her birth 38 years ago and her second birthday in heaven. We sang "Happy Birthday" to Jessica and managed to blow some bubbles outside, even though it was a bit of a mess with our littlest H dumping most of the liquid due to his fiercely independent two-year-old nature. I love his spirit!!

When I see how much her children have grown and changed, it feels like it's been longer. When I look at their pictures from last year, I've seen that the oldest H, at age nine, is growing into a young lady. Her young, child-like features are changing shape, and she is growing taller. Her creativity in the arts is reflective of Jessica's creative gifts. Even middle H has had a growth spurt. His little personality is growing into that of an inquisitive six-year-old, with his creativity evolving daily.  Our littlest H is now two years old and growing in leaps and bounds. His vocabulary is growing more and more each day.  Even though I miss caring for him, daycare has been a good thing for his social skills and overall growth and development. 

These beautiful children of my daughter are the reason that I will continue to post pictures, comments, and stories. Celebrating Jesscia on her birthday and every day will be my priority for my grandbabies. While I may transition to more blog posting as opposed to Facebook and Instagram, I will continue to share about Jessica and how I'm moving forward in my own grief journey, with the hope of writing a book in the future.

So Happy Birthday, my Baby Girl! I'm sure your party with Jesus was like no other we have experienced. We have the hope that we will someday join you in that party, but for now, we celebrate you here and now. 

Advance Notice

I opened up my computer today to complete a blog post, and this "popped up" on my screen.  A reminder that Jessica's birthday is tomorrow.  I don't know when I have ever needed a reminder of when my first child was born, but my Apple Calendar has let me know anyway. To be honest, any of the birthdays I have entered into my calendar app are birthdays I can't ever forget, but alas, I am reminded.

But truthfully, this pop-up did sting when I first saw it. A reminder of not only Jessica's birthday but also an ever-present reminder that she is not here to share it with us. Jessica was the queen of celebrations! She made every celebratory occasion in the family a major event. I loved it, and I miss it. This will be Jessica's second birthday we have had without her here on earth. Last year was difficult to face, and I'm not sure if this year will be much different. 

Jessica is not physically here, and her absence is so evident in everything we do. I think of her throughout the day several times, and the pain of losing her is still as intense as ever; however, I function more effectively day-to-day than I used to. 

I plan to mark the day and celebrate her birth as we did the year before.  Last year, we visited a local conservation area that she and her family frequently visited.  There was a large tree where her husband sprinkled a few of her ashes, and we gathered there with him and the children. They climbed the tree, talked about their Mama, and we all blew bubbles to her in heaven. Later, we shared a birthday cake to celebrate not only the day she was born but that this was the first birthday she would celebrate in heaven with Jesus.  It was very healing for all of us. We have ordered a memorial bench to be installed at this tree, hopefully very soon.

This year may be a bit different. My son-in-law is going camping with the children that weekend. He will be arriving home on the day of Jessica's birthday. With three young children in tow after a weekend of camping, odds are they won't have the energy for the entire celebration. However, that's okay; we will strive to make it as special as we can.  I want to keep their Mama alive for them as much as possible. Each child experiences Jessica's loss in a slightly different way. Still, it's important to recognize each child's grief in its own unique way.

So, I will continue to celebrate the day my first child was born. It may look slightly different from year to year, but I will always recognize that the beautiful life God blessed us with when He brought her into this world. 

For nine months, I carried her in my womb, and I spent 37 years with my girl. Now, I will continue to carry her in my heart for the rest of my life and share her memory with others, especially with her beautiful children, who each embody aspects of their mother in some special way.  

 

Peace Like a River

I post pictures of Jessica all the time on my social media. I scan my Facebook Memories every day to see a glimpse of her in my past.  The longing to go back to that past and be "normal" again never seems to fade.  I don't tend to post pictures of her when she was sick.  It is a stark reminder of a memory filled with pain, fear, and disappointment. 

However, I came across a picture that popped up on my iPhone list. I'm not sure what algorithm Apple uses for its photo collections, as they often include pictures from several moments in history. The dates are all over the map.  When I looked at this picture, I felt different. Yes, this was a time when Jessica was in the hospital receiving treatment for osteosarcoma. 

This picture was taken a few days before she was discharged home from the hospital. If you look closely, Jessica appears to be in a state of complete peace. This peace started the day she heard the voice of God speak to her earlier in her health journey. His words were, "This is the journey, not the destination." Peace washed over her like a river and stayed with her for the weeks and months that followed. Prayers were being prayed by literally hundreds of people around the world, so of course, she was at peace, and despite the odds, we believed she was being healed. 

The first chemotherapy treatment had failed to attack the tumour, so they switched to another one. This chemotherapy was used as palliative treatment, but lo and behold, it actually started to work.  She defied the odds and began to improve.

When Jessica went home, it was as if a switch had been turned on. She came alive and lived life to the fullest.  She started to organize her home, cleaned, and cooked small meals for her children. I was driving her here and there. She went out with her friend Laura for lunch and shopping. 

Those two-plus months were a precious gift.  Aside from her arm in a sling, life almost seemed normal again. I started to believe she could be the miracle healing from this horrible beast of a cancer. Her oncologist even called her her miracle baby.  We were so hopeful. It was as if she were being healed. 

Of course, things changed in January after her surgeries, and it was apparent that she was not going to be healed the way we had hoped and prayed for.  I still struggle with that at times. I try to look at it as if God's miracle healing occurred in those weeks she was home and doing life.  I found out later that the hospital staff honestly thought that Jess would be gone by Christmas, so she truly did defy the odds.  God made that happen. 

Understanding why God chose to take her home when He did is a question that will remain unanswered on this side of heaven. Learning to trust God with that is a day-by-day or minute-by-minute process.  While I have more peace about it than I did a year ago, I still have many times when I want to understand. Times I cry out to God, begging Him to tell me why. Are my pleas met with silence? Sometimes, it feels like it, but when I look back and see those small increments of peace, it certainly does add up to a noticeable change.

The day that Jess comes to meet me there, with Jesus, it won't matter anymore. She is truly healed and more alive than she ever was here on earth. So, I try to look at this picture with "some" gratitude for the time we did have, for the peace she had, for the relationship with Jesus that was renewed for her. I'm still a work in progress, but reshaping my view is one thing I'm working on.