Last year, after Jessica died, I read a book by grief expert David Kessler called "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief." Sometimes, people are taken aback by the title. How can one ever find "meaning" in someone's death? I'll admit, I never thought that when I first came across the book. To be honest, I don't even know how I discovered the book, because when I try to find out which website or Facebook page recommended it, I can't find it. The book itself has been an instrumental part of my healing, so I guess I would say it was Divine Intervention that I found the book. I went on to join Tender Hearts, an online platform for working through grief, as well as online groups tailored to your specific loss.
All that said, the book talks about creating meaning from your loved one's passing, so after reading it, I was on a mission to do the same. I wanted Jessica's name and presence to be ever-present in this world. I would never forget her, but I wanted others —either not to forget her or, for those who didn't know her, to discover her—to remember her.
My primary focus is on all of us in her family, especially her children. My granddaughter will have a pretty solid memory of her mom, but my middle grandson will have some limited memory, as he was just 4 years old when she died. Then, of course, my youngest grandson was a week shy of his first birthday when Jessica went to be with Jesus. His memory of his mama will be through our stories and pictures. It is up to all of us who knew and loved her to keep her alive in our hearts. I want him to know as much about her as we can demonstrate for him.
I searched high and low for ways to create meaning. One such event I intend to make annual is the Terry Fox Run, which I shared in a previous post. Although the numbers on our team may fluctuate, I plan to participate until I can no longer do so physically. Even then, I may volunteer to help with the Run afterwards. Time will tell.
Go into any park, and you will often find memorial trees and benches. It's a wonderful way to remember a loved one and have a place to visit. I thought this could be an ideal memorial, but I had a hard time finding the perfect location. I contacted several organizations that offer these programs, but either they were not accepting applications at that time or their locations did not feel appropriate for Jessica. We live near London, but having a memorial bench or tree in a community that wasn't hers didn't seem right.
For Jessica's birthday, the July after she died, we had a little "party" with her children at a local conservation area outside of London called Sharon's Creek Conservation Area. We went to an oak tree where my son-in-law had sprinkled a few of her ashes just weeks before. It was during that "party" that I noticed a memorial bench near the water. I didn't see any others, but it sparked my curiosity. Was there a memorial bench program here? This was a place that Jessica and her family would come for their "nature walks." I had even accompanied them there a couple of times when I was there for my summer holiday with the kids.
I had searched for area bench programs in the weeks leading up to this outing, and I never came across this program. I had to do some real digging and was put in touch with a contact at the local conservation authority. Yes, they did have a memorial bench program. Still, it was not advertised to preserve the natural surroundings and avoid it from becoming too cluttered with memorial tree plaques and benches. I have seen areas like that, and while it is meaningful to memorialize a loved one, it can be a little daunting to have so many in one place.
So last year, we pooled our resources and ordered a bench for Jessica. By the time we submitted the application and paid, it was nearing the end of the summer. We were able to secure a spot beside the big oak tree where we had earlier celebrated Jessica's birth. That in itself was another "God moment," as there were few areas where the benches were allowed to be placed. This area had so much meaning to our family.
Since the benches are only installed at certain times of year, and the bench company rolls out orders only when they have a significant number, we did not see our bench installed in 2023. It was finally this month when I was notified that a cement pad had been poured and that the bench installation would happen in the next couple of weeks.
More than two weeks had passed, and I hadn't heard anything from my contact at the conservation authority. However, last Saturday morning, I decided to take a drive over to Sharon's Creek. I expected to see the bench, but there was always the risk that it had not been installed.
As I walked the trail up to our designated site, my heart skipped a beat. There it was! Since it is late October, there was only a hint of green foliage, so it seemed more open than the last time I'd been there. As I walked up to the bench, I felt a sense of "coming home." I was there with my girl in spirit. I first sat on the bench and cried, then I lay down and felt her with me.
The setting is perfect, the inscription is perfect: "In Memory of Jessica Kathleen Rockefeller, 1987-2024, Today is a good day, to have a good day." That is what she said to her children as they left for school. We have adopted it as her motto in a sense. Every day we can choose whether to have a good day or not. Even when circumstances happen, and the day doesn't go as planned, we can still choose to find the good in it.
That's a motto I need to remember as well. I still wake up every morning with "no joy." I'm not sure if that will ever go away. Most days, I'm able to overcome that feeling and choose joy, or choose to have a good day, I suppose. My lack of joy is remembering that my daughter is no longer on earth with me.
I choose to have joy in my relationships with my grandchildren and my entire family. Joy in fostering new friendships while preserving connections with my long-time friends. Visits to Jessica's bench may become a new gathering place for family and friends. We remember you, sweet Jessica, and love you forever.
Love, Mama
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