Do Not Fear

 

I have gone through many times in my life where I've felt overwhelmed by the journey, having fear about the future. I still remember one time in particular, when it was the worst period to date. I remember very distinctly God giving me the verse from Isaiah 41:10: 

"Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 

I was in my front yard in the summertime, it could have been in June, maybe the 25th, I can't say, because I didn't record it back then. It was in 2013 that much I do remember. What I also remember, was how it made me feel. Peace washed over me like a river, just like the song says. While the circumstances did not change right away, I knew I had my God with me to love and support me. 

I have called on that verse often since then. It is an anchor that has the ability to steady me in a storm. I have even considered having the Scriptural reference tattooed on my arm, as it means a great deal to me. So on Facebook the other day (June 25th), I saw a post with that very verse, and I felt led to share it. I share it not only for myself, but perhaps it will speak to others along the way. 

Later, that same day, I was scrolling through my Facebook memories, which I have taken to doing so I can find some memories about Jessica. I came to the same date in 2023, the year Jesscia was diagnosed with cancer, and I saw where I had posted that same verse: 

Seeing that post almost immediately brought me to tears.  This was at this time, two years ago, when Jessica was undergoing various diagnostic tests and receiving bad news after bad news. Nothing was looking encouraging. She didn't have an official diagnosis, but the evidence was not promising.  I had been reading research on osteosarcoma, and the outcomes were not good.  

Even through all of the discouragement, God was still there. We had fear, we had discouragement, but He was in the storm with us, holding us up and supporting us through the overwhelming tide. I guess that was why I shared that post back on June 25, 2023. As many of my friends are aware, I am an open book of sorts. I wear my heart on my sleeve, so others walk the journey with me. 

Seeing where I was drawn to post that verse again, exactly two years later, really spoke loudly to me. I sensed God was reminding me that He had never and will never leave my side. Through it all, He remained my anchor, even when life felt like it was swirling around me. He is walking with me now, as I continue to navigate each day without Jess here on earth, supporting me with my grandchildren, keeping Jessica's memory alive and present. He is there with me. 

Do I still fear sometimes? 

Yes. 

Do I get discouraged other times? 

Yes, but having those reminders, even the digital ones, helps to redirect me to the one True Anchor in my life. 

Come to me, all who are...busy

I've had a bit of a rough week. I came down with a nasty flu bug and was practically "bedridden" for three of the four days I was ill. Every time I get sick, I think it has been ages since I was ill with anything, but when I really sat down and thought more deeply, that simply wasn't true. From the end of December 2024 until now, I have been "under the weather" three separate times. These weren't a simple case of the common cold, although that can be annoying in and of itself; these were days when I was in bed, taking medication for nausea, headaches, aches, pains, etc. 

Before this, I had not been sick. The whole time Jessica was ill, I wasn't stricken with any virus. While I had issues from the previous injury with my back, I was able to "keep up" caring for Jess and helping my grandchildren during that difficult time. I have often said it was only by the grace of God that I had that kind of strength in that season because, by all other human assessments,  I should have been run down enough to catch any type of sickness floating around, especially being around little ones with their coughs and runny noses, but I hadn't.

So what is going on now?

I have been pondering this, and while I don't think I have some ominous disease process going on, I have noticed a couple of things. When my youngest grandson went into daycare last August, I felt an emptiness in my soul.  I had been his caregiver since he was three months old, when Jess broke her arm, so our attachment at the hip was part of who I was. While daycare has undoubtedly been the best thing for him, that void in my life was certainly felt. 

It was about that time that Mike became involved in church life again. Not only did we attend weekly services, but we also participated in Bible studies and joined a life group to connect with others and build meaningful relationships.  These things are all good. 

I also became involved in volunteering with the kids' school snack program as well as a community school lunch program in our local neighbourhood. These, too, were great things to do. We were new to our community and didn't know anyone, so this was a great way to meet people. I have also volunteered with our local Salvation Army and participated in the recent election (my first time volunteering with one!). 

All good things, right?

Throw into that mix my studies.  I took a six-week course on how to write through your grief, then after that. I took a twelve-week course to be a certified grief educator (which I just finished!) Plus, I have been trying to help out as much as I can with my grandchildren and my son-in-law (I never feel like I'm doing enough for them).

Additionally, until three months ago, I was working remotely up to twenty hours a week, writing for a national pharmacy chain's health app. Underlying all of this is my vision to write a book, and starting with this blog, to sharpen my writing chops. So what is the problem?

What Suffers?

All the things I've been doing are good, but can't we fill our time and space with so many good things without pausing to be with the Lord and taking time to breathe? What suffers? With me, it seems not only is my general health suffering, but the depth of my spiritual life is depleted. 

Are my relationships suffering? Some would say yes. Truthfully, the past two years have left me little energy to truly foster relationships.  I have my tried-and-true friends from our previous hometown, but making new friends requires energy, which I haven't really had in abundance. Our wonderful new friends are special to us and we hope to continue to foster those new relationships.

Avoidance?

Another question I think of is whether I have been filling my time with activities to shield myself from facing my grief.  There may be some truth to that, although some of my activities have helped me process my grief, but indeed, since being "less busy," I have found myself experiencing more moments of deeply missing and grieving Jessica. Even when I've been sick in the past, she would call or text asking, "How are you doing, Mama?"  This makes her absence felt even more intensely. 

Finding Rest

So, I think I've answered my own question in writing this blog today.  Even Jesus retreated to rest and pray, and he was fully man and fully God!  Why do I think I can keep "doing" without "resting"?Resting for me begins with prayer. I can sit down and  "waste" time without truly resting. Scrolling through social media is proof of that! An hour can go by, and you can't seem to fathom where it went! 

Embrace His Yoke

Jesus calls us to come to Him, and He will give us rest. Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." This is an open invitation that I have been ignoring. His arms are wide open, but I need to respond to that invitation.  I have been filling life with so much busyness without finding rest. 

He continues in verse 29 with, "Take my yoke upon you, let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and my burden I give you is light." Again, this is an expansion of that invitation to take on His yoke that He says is easy to bear. My yoke has been so heavy, carrying the burden of grief and responsibilities, and I should embrace the lighter yoke to find rest for my soul. 

Gratefulness

He gave me the strength for a time and purpose, the care of my sweet Jessica. I needed to have extra supernatural strength, and for that, I am eternally grateful. But this is a season for recovery, a time to find rest for my soul.  I pray that I can quiet my heart and mind to receive the gift of rest. 

Photo #2 from Freepik

Metamorphosis

 

This past Sunday, we participated in an event that we had attended last year: the Annual Butterfly Release, sponsored by Bereaved Families of Ontario (BFO.) Butterflies are ordered from the organization one month before the release. It is also intended as a fundraiser, with the profits raised going back to the BFO to provide support for families experiencing grief. 

Last year, we were still raw from Jessica's death, so this event was transformational in my healing journey, and I believe the other attendees felt the same way. We gathered at the "Memory Garden" within Springbank Park in London. Several families attend, and you can either release your butterfly collectively or privately in memory of your loved one. 

Last year, we gathered in a smaller group with six butterflies to release. Each one of my grandchildren had their own butterfly to send to "Mama."  It was so special at that time as my granddaughter's butterfly would not leave her hand. To be fair, these butterflies are in a state of slumber when they arrive, and sometimes, it can take a while for them to "wake up." In this case, the butterfly refusing to leave her side symbolized Jessica's fight to stay on earth for her children. She fought so hard.

I was overwhelmed with gratitude this year by the number of people who gathered at the event. Sixteen family and extended family members released butterflies in memory of Jess. The love that was raised up to heaven was truly inspirational.  

The joy I had watching the children spinning in beautiful chaos warmed my heart.  Little H. calling out "b-fly" in his two-year-old vocabulary was incredibly precious.  The rest of the children spent time talking to their butterflies and chasing them when they flew off. The wonder of a child gives the rest of us hope. 

The true hope of Jesus is what is demonstrated and symbolized in this event.  When you think of the life cycle of a butterfly, it all starts with a little egg laid on a milkweed leaf. That egg hatches into a larva that, in turn, becomes a caterpillar. By the design of God in the majesty of nature, after about two weeks, that caterpillar recognizes when it is time to enter into rest.  It constructs its surroundings in the form of a chrysalis, where the true miracle begins.  

Inside that chrysalis, over the next two weeks, the caterpillar essentially dies in almost every sense of the word.  Its previous frame is nearly dissolved and takes on an entirely new form. The majestic beauty of the butterfly today is nothing like the crawling caterpillar of yesterday.

So it is with us. Jessica may have left this earthly world for heaven (as Randy Alcorn says, she "changed locations"), but she has undergone her metamorphosis, just as we will do. Her new body is healed and whole with Jesus because she believed in and trusted Him. In a sense, I guess we celebrate that miracle with the butterfly release. 

This is why I have the hope that I will see Jessica again.  My trust in Christ is the only reason I can place one foot in front of the other.  There were days I didn't want to move off the couch, and essentially, I didn't, but I didn't stay in that place. There were days I was angry, but He understood my anger, my tears, and my disappointment. He rested with me in the pit of grief, but He didn't leave me there. 

"Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die." John 11:25-26a

#griefjourney #newlife #metamorphosis #HopeofChrist

Turning the Page

As the calendar turned to June 1st, I began to realize that it had been almost two years since the bottom fell out from under us. It was June 16, 2023, that I received a phone call from Jess telling me that she broke her arm and the doctor was calling her in right away to discuss it. The next days, weeks, and months can sometimes feel like a blur. 

I now look at pictures from just before that fateful day, and we were all happy, living our lives without a care in the world. Pictures of Jessica and the kids at the beach in May 2023, running around and playing in the sand, loving life. When I look at the Christmas pictures from 2022, it was Mario (my father-in-law) we were concerned about, not Jess. Mario had been losing weight, and from the look of the pictures, he appeared to be looking very frail.  

Even with the family photo of all of us that Christmas, it is now hard to fathom that both Jessica and Mario are now gone. Mario died on July 4, 2023, just over six months after the photo was taken.  Jess had always wanted family photos taken, but it was difficult for our family to get together to do so. I'm so glad we at least had an informal one done that year. 

Life is so precious and can change at any time. As a nurse, I always knew that, but it wasn't until it became so personal that I ever entertained the thought for more than a few minutes at a time. 

You know, when someone you work with loses their family member. You sympathize or even empathize with them, but often, beyond that, it is in your rearview mirror in a short time. It's when it's right in front of you, or if I use the car analogy further, right SMACK on your windshield.  That's when it becomes personal. It's when it embodies your soul. 

I guess that's why I see other people's sorrow with new eyes.  That's a good thing, I suppose. I understand grief on a different level, and I can try to come alongside more in some way. It's still a little raw for me, but I do feel more compassion than I may have before, and I'm somewhat of an empath!

I'm rambling again, but it does help me work through some of my feelings. If anyone is reading this besides me, thank you for being on this journey with me and for taking the time to read my ramblings. 

Today, I Ramble

 They say you should just sit down and start writing, but lately, I've had little to say. I'm looking at writing a book about Jessica's journey with cancer, but I'm stumped. I've read about "writer's block," but honestly, I've never considered myself a real writer, so I never thought it would apply to me.  So here I sit, rambling on like a fool just to get my writing chops out there again. I haven't had trouble before, as I do have the "gift of gab," so translating that to words on a screen wasn't entirely out of my per-view. 

I suppose it doesn't help that I'm not currently writing for any paid gigs. The Shopper's health app I was writing for suspended their freelance content team, so after a year of working with a great team and making some decent part-time wages, it's over as quickly as it started. The work kind of fell in my lap during Jessica's hospitalization. While I was not in a position to start working for them at that time, they were willing to wait until I was ready. I still feel strange about that, as I don't feel I'm that much of a catch. I guess I should just accept it as God's provision at that time. Keeping busy, even though it was only 10 hours per week at the beginning, was a good diversion. Working with my scientific mind allowed me to turn off the grieving part of my brain.

But what about now? My scientific mind workout was fine at the time, but that's now gone. I was almost thrilled when that happened because it allowed me to start some personal writing toward the book God had laid on my heart. But this is where I sit. The first chapter went great. I wrote a fair bit and was satisfied with what I wrote, but now?  Last week, the writing didn't flow as smoothly as it had the week before. It was rambling. More rambling. What makes me think I can write a book? It would likely only be for family, and would they even read it or just buy a copy to pacify me?

I have too much time on my hands. I intentionally set aside Tuesday mornings to write, and for the most part, I have felt rather productive until last week. Today, I ramble.